The Torture of Sleep Deprivation
One of the most challenging parts of parenthood is the slow, creeping toll of relentless nights. When every hour you hoped to sleep is broken by a cry, a feed, a shifting baby, it drains your body, your heart, your focus, and your sense of self. And when this goes on for months (or even years) the weariness becomes something more than tiredness. It becomes deep, persistent exhaustion, both physical and mental.
What is sleep deprivation actually doing to me?
The Emotional Strain:
It’s not your imagination: your emotions feel raw, unpredictable, and confusing. Chronic sleep loss disrupts your brain’s ability to regulate itself. In people navigating postpartum, sleep disorders can alter connectivity in the prefrontal cortex, the very part of your brain that helps you make decisions, regulate your feelings, and maintain focus.
Lack of sleep also heightens the risk of postpartum depression, by literally throwing your neurotransmitter systems off balance, making emotional regulation feel like wading through mud. You’re likely to snap more easily, feel disconnected from yourself and your important relationships, have reduced tolerance and feel ‘on edge’. This is entirely normal, and completely understandable. And yet so many of us struggle to empathise with our situations, thinking that we just need to do better, be stronger, or ‘find a way’.
The Cognitive Fog:
Your mind, a part of you that likely once felt sharp, confident, capable…may now feel like it’s operating under water. That’s because fragmented sleep isn’t just about the hours you don’t get, but how often you wake, and what part of the sleep cycle you wake in. Often during these weeks and months, we are constantly interrupted before we can ever complete a full sleep cycle, making it difficult for the brain to do the things it’s designed to do while we sleep: clear out toxins, regulate emotions, balance hormones, and restore our capacity to think and cope. Instead of moving through the deep and REM stages that stabilise our mood and support resilience, our system keeps getting jolted awake mid-process. Over time, this leaves us feeling foggy, fragile, easily overwhelmed, and far more reactive than we ever expected. It’s not at all that you need to be ‘better’ or ‘stronger’, this is the reality of what happens when the brain is never given the uninterrupted time it needs to reset.
On top of that, chronic partial sleep deprivation (think: consistently too little sleep over days or weeks) impairs higher-level thinking like planning, memory, and reasoning — and the catch-up doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, studies show that even after a full, “recovery” night of sleep, cognitive performance often doesn’t bounce back completely.
Why “Catching Up” Isn’t So Simple
It’s common to believe that if you just get a few extra hours of sleep, you’ll “pay back” your sleep debt. But the science tells a different story. Many women start to wonder “how long will I need to sleep well for before I stop feeling these effects?”. Unfortunately there is no solid timeline, and it certainly depends on exactly how long you have been dealing with this. But what we do know is that a few nights of rest won’t magically erase months of exhaustion; recovery is going to be a slower, more gradual process.
One thing to look out for if your baby’s sleep is starting to consolidate is the emotional crash that can happen when you finally start getting more sleep. After months of running on adrenaline, cortisol, and sheer survival mode, your body has been in a constant state of alertness. When your baby begins to wake less or you finally get a stretch of uninterrupted rest, your nervous system can suddenly “exhale.” And in that exhale, the feelings you’ve been holding at bay ~ the sadness, irritability, anxiety, and grief ~ are more likely to rise to the surface. It’s not a sign that something is wrong. It’s a normal hormone and nervous-system recalibration, a kind of emotional thawing after a long freeze. Many women describe this as a surprising slump just when they thought things were supposed to feel easier. Your body is relearning safety, and with that comes the space to finally feel again.
From one parent to another: what you’re feeling is valid. You’re not just “tired” — you’re carrying a kind of sleep debt that touches your mood, your thinking, and your relationships. This isn’t a weakness or a failure; it's a human response to sustained disruption.
Many parents describe persistent “brain fog,” moments of overwhelm, and a deep longing for the person they once were. It’s okay to grieve that part of yourself. It’s okay to feel disconnected. This is not just a season you survive, it’s a chapter you’re living and recovery takes time.
Practical Ways to Protect Sleep and Rest
Exhaustion in these first months is relentless, and it’s important to be kind to yourself while finding ways to make rest possible. Here are some gentle, practical strategies that many parents find helpful:
Take turns at night if you’re bottle-feeding. One person handles the first half of the night, the other the second. This way, each of you can get at least one longer stretch of rest. Yes, I know that they have to work the next day... but you have to parent the next day. You're in this together.
If you’re breastfeeding, have your partner bring the baby to you in bed. Feeding while semi-reclined or side-lying can save your body from strain and give you a chance to rest between feeds.
Newborns are noisy little sleepers. Take turns sleeping on the side of the bed closest to the baby, and consider white noise to soften their squeaks and grunts. Every little bit of quiet helps.
Side-lying breastfeeding is restorative, even if you can’t sleep with a latched baby. Just resting while feeding is far better than sitting upright, tense and cold, in a chair for hours. Your body and brain benefit from this gentle pause.
Consider a floor bed. Giving your baby space to move safely can support better sleep for both of you, and then you can climb in to comfort them without straining your back.
Learn about safe co-sleeping. Even if you never plan to bed-share long-term, exhaustion can make it easy to unintentionally nod off with your baby. Having a safe plan, and knowing how to position your baby, remove loose bedding, and sleep safely on a firm mattress all reduces risk and gives peace of mind. Resources like Happy Cosleeper provide step-by-step guidance for doing this as safely as possible.
When the sleep regressions hit and the late-night “parties” start. It’s okay to just give up and watch TV. Yes, I know screens aren’t ideal for your baby and white noise might help more than your sitcom soundtrack. But honestly? At that point, how much worse could sleep that night really get? You can start again as a screen-free, blue-light-free parent in the morning (after a much-needed coffee).
Adjust expectations temporarily. Some nights will be harder than others. Giving yourself permission to do less, accept help, or just survive until morning is not failing; it’s protecting your mental health and your sanity.
Small, gentle adjustments like these can help your body and brain get some of the rest they so desperately need. And sometimes, laughing at the absurdity of it all is the only thing that keeps us from falling apart. Maybe my best advice is to find another mum whose baby also sleeps terribly… and temporarily avoid the one whose baby slept through from two weeks old (we all know one of them!)
These broken nights take a lot out of you. If you want support, a safe space to be heard, or someone to help you make sense of it all, reach out anytime using the contact form below, or book in a call.